This blog is written with people in mind that have been recently bereaved. Or struggle with their grief at Christmas. Whatever that has led you to my blog I hope you find it useful as we approach this difficult time of year.
Now that December is upon us the intensity around Christmas and the festive season, feels like its ramped up. However, for some of you Christmas highlights that you will not be able to spend time. With special people in your life that have died. I feel it is important to write about this, I am primarily a bereavement counsellor. Which has given me an insight into how people, can be pressured into celebrations and having a good time. When celebrating is the last thing, they want to do.
If you have recently been bereaved, maybe you are finding your bearings, while trying to come to terms with life after your loss. Invitations to Christmas meals, parties etc, can feel overwhelming and place additional pressure on you.
When you are grieving it is ok to decline invitations, it is also ok to accept them and change your mind later. If you do not feel up to it when the time comes. Prioritising your own needs or looking after yourself is so important. Give yourself that permission to grieve. Yep, here we go I am going to use that phrase brace yourself SELF-CARE (Lots of people are uncomfortable with that phrase) Perhaps its due to the fact it’s about meeting your own needs, rather than those of others.
You may think self-care looks like the picture below, and you might be right, I personally prefer my cucumber dressed in a salad. But if this helps someone relax and focus on their own wellbeing. Then I am all for it.
Self-Care can also be you saying I am not feeling very festive at the moment. I am going to give this one a miss. The pressure on you to attend, might can come from a good place, wanting you to join in with things that are happening. You don’t have to say yes or give a detailed explanation you can just say no.
A common misconception that presents itself in my bereavement work is the assumption people make that that time is automatically a healer. This often comes from my clients as well as the people in their lives.
“I should be managing this better or be over this now my grandma died 5 years ago”
There is no timeline for grief you can miss someone that died two months, or five years ago just as intensely. We are all different and experience and feel things differently, significant life events may re-ignite feelings of grief. E.g. the birth of a child that grandma will never meet.
This is perfectly normal and does not mean you have failed or are going backwards, you have just encountered a new situation. That might need working through and this is the beauty of reaching out for support. From someone like me or another professional that works in this area. You don’t have to struggle alone.
Here are my five tips to help a grieving person get through Christmas.
- If your Christmas is always held in a particular venue that holds lots of memories. You don’t have to continue with this tradition. It is ok to try something different rather than putting yourself in that difficult situation. If it feels too much to do it straight away.
2. If you are an alcohol drinker, consider setting a limit for yourself or abstaining from drinking this year. Alcohol can sometimes numb or distract us from how we feel. But those feelings are always waiting for us once the effects wear off. Don’t be pressured into drinking if you don’t want to.
3.As I have said previously, we are all different and loss affects people in different ways. If you feel ok and like attending an event and having a celebration. You are allowed to do this and not feel guilty. You feel be feeling the loss in other ways, its important to enjoy things when you feel able to.
4.People that care about you will naturally ask questions about how you’re feeling. Or how you have been coping. This may take you into a difficult place in a situation where you don’t want to open things up. Its ok to have a stock phrase that you just repeat to everyone. “Things are hard but I am just taking it day by day” and leave it that. Or just say I am enjoying this moment it’s not the right to for me to discuss my grief.
5.Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect or be handling things better. Loss is hard you can struggle. You can leave events, parties etc if things get to much for you. Be kind to yourself and don’t expect too much. You are grieving after all.
I hope you have found my blog useful; I will be writing some further pieces over the Christmas and New Year period.
Ryan